International Eucharistic Congress Riots!

The dust is settled, rebuilding efforts have commenced, and Garda horses have entered into a period of counselling and emotional healing. Now, safe behind my barricades, I feel I can tell the full story of the IEC 2012 riots, fleshing out my tweets from yesterday.

7:30pm "Pandemonium here in Drumcondra. Crazed, drunken attendees of #IEC2012 rampaging. Street battles with Gardai. Looting and lewdness abound."

We're used to a little exuberance from attendees of events in Croke Park here in Drumcondra. GAA fans are generally an affable bunch, though few seem able to control their bladders for a full evening and they tend to empty out every ATM in a two mile radius. Concerts can be noisy, and of course there's the compromise rules crowd, who like to make their presence known. Still, nothing prepared us for the rampage that marked the ending ceremonies of the International Eucharistic Congress 2012.

7:53pm "Fuelled by commandeered kegs, the #IEC2012 gang have formed a phalanx and are pressing in to Glasnevin. St Luke's has fallen."

With a resounding cheer from rioters, onlookers, and overtaxed Gardai, St Luke's constituency office toppled, leaving only a crumbling edifice. I never said it was all bad!

8:02pm "Unusual Garda tactic of starting a rosary seems to be paying off. #iec2012 rioters calmed and distracted. This atheist backs public prayer!"

I have to say, quick thinking on the part of the superintendent and excellent use of loudspeaker equipment. Just goes to show we don't need water cannons.

8:28pm "Gardai fleeing scene abandon horses, commandeered by Canadian #IEC2012 attendees. Former convent on Iona road retaken. Stay indoors!

9:15pm "Giant but hastily constructed Marian statue erected near Glasnevin Cemetery. Splinter group of #IEC2012 rioters installing fortifications.

9:16pm "Na Fianna GAA pitch commandeered by #IEC2012 revolutionaries. Seems to be a holding pen for captured prisoners. Reasonable treatment."

 They moved quickly on this one but the Red Cross were able to open lines of communication and ensure care packages were delivered to the prisoners. Thankfully good weather prevented disease outbreak.

9:41pm "Escaped #IEC2012 prisoner reports reasonable treatment, describes rosary bead restraints as inefficient. DCU may be next."

 It turns out the DCU information was incorrect. The real target was nearby.

10:22pm "Local CofI church has been reached. Lengthy transubstantiation discussions. Tea and biscuits provided by the Protestants."

10:23pm "Gardai report they are unable to crack #IEC2012's encrypted communications. No outsiders are familiar enough with the Latin rite."

 Initial attempts to decode based based on differences between new and old translations of the liturgy were ultimately abandoned as unworthy of a Dan Brown plot.

11:45pm "Spry septuagenerian ringleaders of #IEC2012 riots evading capture due to superior knowledge of local pilgrim routes. Helicopter dispatched."

 Decades of trekking barefoot up and down Croagh Patrick imbued them with the necessary endurance and mental fortitude to outrun specialised law enforcement units. New measures ensure army will send exceptional recruits to Lough Derg for advanced training.

1:12am "Glasnevin relieved as #IEC2012 rioters move westwards. Spies inform me they plan to form a home base in Knock. Numbers growing."

 1:20am "Weaponised Brigid's crosses have taken out only Garda helicopter. Ground forces operating blind. Can no one stop the #IEC2012 madness?"

 Defence forces were unprepared for the speed with which the revolutionaries could fashion these improvised weapons.

1:38am "Turns out the people who brought us Canon Law have actual cannons. #IEC2012 revolutionaries may be unstoppable. Think of the children!"

 The code of Canon Law is several hundred pages long, and not read by those outside the fold. Cannon assembly instructions were buried near the back.

1:49am "Ministers' wooden performance explained: they're brainwashed #IEC2012 plants. Now activated they're supplying weapons and intel. Resist!"

 Ruairi Quinn fought a valiant battle, holding a single corridor against insurmountable odds. Sadly the numbers were too great.

2:12am "Foolishly described #IEC2012 riots as blasphemy, madness. Am now falling through exceedingly deep well. Could be the end. Resist! Resist!"

What's this all about? Well, obviously, it's parody. Living near Croke Park can have its disadvantages in terms of parking and merry fans. The International Eucharistic Congress folk got no such complaints; they seem to have attracted hundreds of people to the country who made a much better impression than a thronging mass of inebriated GAA fans - not that the fans are all bad! As I heard the music through my window I thought jokingly to myself: "what if this thing turned violent?". Sometimes my imagination gets the better of me.