Sunday, April 1, 2012

April Fools Questions for the Moonies

Given the day that's in it I thought I'd ask the Moonies for some more information on their Messiah. I'll let you know if they get back to me. In the meantime, here's the e-mail I sent:

Dear Patricia,

I found a copy of your flier on O'Connell Street outside the GPO. Well, some of it was missing, but I had the bottom half and it looked interesting. Reading about how Rev Moon was anointed by Jesus and sent to find a bride livened up an otherwise dull bus ride.

I did some searching on my mobile (again, uninteresting bus ride, so plenty of time for looking into these things) and found that quite a number of Rev Moon's speeches are available on and - but you probably knew that already! The link may even be on the top half of your flier. I enjoy talking with friends about different world beliefs so I found lots of information for discussion.

One of my friends was quite interested. She works in a large call centre just outside London. She's in HR, and as you can imagine, with high staff turnover scheduling things like hiring campaigns and holiday leave can be a bit of a nightmare. She was most interested to read where your Messiah said that soon
"There will be a purge on God's orders, and evil will be eliminated like shadows. Gays will be eliminated ... If not then they will be burned. We do not know what kind of world God will bring but this is what happens. It will be greater than the communist purge but at God's orders." (

Now, they don't keep a formal record of sexual orientation on file in HR, but she's guessing at around 10%. Probably higher if we factor in those who have experimented, but as you can imagine it's very hard to estimate numbers!

So basically, she was wondering if you could give her a bit of a heads up as to when this purge is going to start. Obviously she'll need to hire more staff and stop people taking leave at that time. On the guys and girls who've just experimented, will they get the full burning, or will there be just a light singeing? (I touched a friend's penis as part of a bet once, should I be concerned? It didn't really excite me as such, and I won a pint out of it, but still, I'm getting worried.)

She said that hopefully it won't be for some time. You can only imagine what sort of planning they'd have to go through! Reverend Moon talks a lot about January 13 next year - is this a likely start date? Will the flames be localised? She asks because the desks are quite small in the call centre. There's only about a foot and a half either side of each cubicle and fire could spread quite rapidly.

On another note I see your Messiah believes gays to be "dirty, dung eating dogs". ( Now obviously employing dogs has significant tax implications. My friend's been worrying that her company has unnecessarily been paying contributions to social services and so on. Does the Reverend Moon have any evidence she could give to HM Revenue & Customs to support her claim for a tax refund?

It's a modern, progressive office and the canteen's quite good. (She snuck me in for lunch once when I was visiting. I had to pretend to be doing an interview. It was all very exciting.) They have a daily vegetarian special, there's a Halal option, Weight Watchers pro plus points are on every portion and the company pays a decent subsidy. I particularly liked the coffee! Anyway, what with them taking such pride in their canteen, they'd like to appeal to as many staff as possible. Does Reverend Moon go into detail as to what sort of dung is preferable? Is he aware of any specific recipies he'd recommend?

I hope this mail finds you well. Maybe some day I'll find the second half of that flyer!



Sun Myung Moon Discuss said...

Cute humor! Where are the Moonies when you need them?

Donal said...

Very funny Geoff!Thanks.